I’m a huge believer in energy. You attract into your life what you’re ready for and what you believe you deserve.
“You cannot out dream your self-esteem”
So it makes sense that if we don’t like what’s showing up in our life that we focus on what we have complete control and say over- ourselves and our own energy.
I put the above quote on my Instagram page recently. It was a quote by Daniele La Porte that forms part of my online program Woman and it started a flurry of private messages into my inbox.
“As soon as I start to really fall for a man he goes cold on me”
“I’m tired of feeling like I’m in a relationship with a man only to realise later that I was really only ever a plus one to him. I saw him as forever, I’m not sure if he ever did me” and
“My fence is so high right now that I don’t know if I ever want to need someone again”.
Men and women have innate biological roles and behaviours we tend towards. I’ve learnt when it comes to dating, when it comes to relationships (and by relationships I mean ones that haven’t yet reached the I see this lasting long-term stage with you ie. living together, engaged or married) that it’s an easier more enjoyable process if we follow and don’t fight our biological roles. So much of our behaviour is shaped by our biology so why fight it?! Better we just work with it!
And before I go on, why this mention of love? Because “I love you” and “I love you too” didn’t feature in my own vocabularly for quite a few years even when “I love you” was said to me. I know from personal experience that it means an awful lot when someone shy’s away from saying or using the word “love” to you, when they tell you they’re not ready but they really care for you. It tells you what a person sees in you, highlights what they’re ready for and how much they want to invest in you even if they themselves don’t realise it at the time- and I didn’t.
Only now am I ready for love and to say it out loud and be comfortable with that. But I wasn’t before despite men hoping I’ll be ready. And with this shift in me has come some pretty big realisations about myself and how I was attracting and keeping in my life what I was ready for in the last year. I also realise that this dynamic is often reversed, it’s more often than not men who behave like this in relationships, not women. You learn and appreciate a lot about the opposite sex when the shoe is on the other foot- yours. For the most part, I have been the emotionally unavailable one.
So what are the typical roles as men and women when dating?
The mans role is to set the tone and the pace.
Men love the thrill of the chase when they first meet a woman- they can’t help it, they have bucket loads of testosterone! They love to pursue, they enjoy feeling like they’re in charge so don’t go and spoil the fun for them!
What I do know is that when a man pursues you, when he sees you as more than something casual, that you will know exactly where you stand with him. He won’t leave you wondering or waiting after him.
It’s the little things a person doesn’t do that sometimes speak volumes over the things they actually do.
He’ll call you back and message you back as timely as your friends do. If he’s on social media he’ll like your posts and comment on them as freely as he does his friends. He’ll change his relationship status for you on Facebook- request you take single down and put something else up please. He’ll say “I love you” without hesitation whether he’s known you for two weeks, four weeks or six weeks. He’ll bring up moving in together as the next logical step and if he believes in marriage he’ll ask you to marry him. None of it will be at your doing, your manipulation or your insistence. It will just happen on its own accord.
I’m sorry if it hurts to read this but when a man knows he knows and he won’t be shy to act on it. When he’s unsure, not ready or not as invested in you, he won’t. Instead will feel as though there’s something holding him back.
So if it’s a man’s role to set the tone and pace what do we do as women? We have fun, we back off and and let him show up as himself. We let him show up how he feels. We let him give what he’s ready to give. We feel him out. And we do this knowing that a man who is completely into us will go out of his way to make his presence felt in a positive way, time after time. That’s how a good man is driven to operate.
And the woman’s role?
The woman’s role is to decide if she likes it or not.
A woman’s role is fairly simple. It shouldn’t need any further elaboration other than the ability to recognise the type of man you want in your life, how you like to be treated and what you need. Howeve it does, because so often women stick around even when they don’t quite like the tone and pace that the man is setting.
We choose not to see the red flags waving in our face and instead we like to see things for how they might end up. We hesitate to walk away because of how a future with a person could look and feel.
And it’s the could that is the problem.
There are no guarantees in relationships or in dating. But someone either loves you or they don’t. And if they’re not completely invested in you then you have even less of a guarantee.
You can’t compete for love. You can’t hang around waiting for someone to show up eventually in his behaviour, wait for him to say and feel “I love you”. As soon as you do that…it’s not love. It’s convenience. It’s safe for him. And that’s not love.
When you’re ready to love, love is straightforward. Love you can’t ignore and pretend it isn’t there. Love sits on the end of someone’s tongue waiting to be said even when you’ve only known someone a short time. When you feel it you know.
When a man is given the space to set the tone and pace, when he’s invested in you as equally as you are him then everything feels easy. There’s no need for self- doubt or self questioning on your part. You already know where you sit in his eyes.
And the one simple question you can ask him that will help you better understand what he sees when he looks at you if you’re not completely clear? “What are you hoping for here with me?” If a man knows what he wants, if he knows how he feels about you, you’ll find his answer will be loud and clear.
It’s why it’s so important that we as woman are centred enough in ourselves, feel amazing and confident in who we are and what we have to offer someone. It’s so we can walk away when intimacy and love isn’t being served up quite like it should look and feel.
You have to let people in to have a big love-filled awesome life. But you have to learn to let the right ones in. Who see the same things in you as you do them.
Your heart, your responsibility.
Everything is always your choice- including who you give your keys to your big fucking fence too (remember the quote at the top of this article!) And that choice, who you let in or not, shapes not only the woman you are and how you move through life, but the quality of your life and relationships also.
Choose wisely gorgeous girl because there is nothing more precious in this world than our time and our hearts xoxo
P.S. If you feel you need a crash course on how to appreciate and feel more centred and confident in yourself my online program “Woman” that can be found here is a perfect match for you.