When I look around I see many women whose hearts are aching for love, attention and appreciation.
Women now have more opportunity, independence and choice than we’ve ever had before however we’re more unfulfilled and disconnected than ever.
This blog post is for women who are bright, self-sufficient and committed to their personal growth but who, on the whole, may feel a little hardened, burnt out and lonely.
It’s for women who want to expand their tender, sensual side and who want to open their hearts and be claimed by a strong masculine presence who knows what he wants and knows how to treat a woman – whether this be with a new relationship or within an existing one.
It’s for women who want to relax into expressing and owning more of who they are.
My intention is that this post will have you question everything you have been taught about what it means to embrace being in your feminine – that it will help you to make peace with softness and vulnerability so you can stop living with a guarded heart and a facade of “I’m strong and have it altogether”. My hope is that it will help you get in your flow and move away from feeling the need to push or control to make things happen.
I’m so passionate about this topic because I spent so many years cold and closed and in my head all the time. I did not resonate with being feminine at all. In fact I was so wrapped up and “busy” I never gave it a thought. But I was unhappy. Unhappy within myself. Unhappy in my marriage. For me leaving my marriage was the catalyst to finally be honest with myself and others that while I had made out that everything was fine, the truth was that everything was not fine and hadn’t been for sometime.
After my seperation much of my energy was spent on being self-sufficient and independent. I was paying the bills, being Mum, keeping house, working full-time and building my business on the side. I wanted a man but I was intent on making sure the men in my life knew without a doubt, that I didn’t “need” them I only “wanted” them. But I was in deep trouble, because under the facade I was tired, I felt lonely even though I was dating someone and I was disconnected from myself.
I was well and truly in my masculine energy and I showed up in that way because life, heartbreak and disappointment had shown me that love and trusting another could also = hurt, shame and loss. Once bitten, twice shy. Carla never wanted to need a man ever again. Or rely on anyone too much.
What I’ve come to learn is how important it is for women to embrace their feminine energy in it’s healthy feminine form. How much more fulfilled and centred we feel on the inside when we live and move from that place. How life, love and business shines differently when we do. And how vital it is for us to choose a life and intimate close relationships that support and enable us to continue showing up as that healthy feminine woman.
Maybe for you it was your career, a traumatic experience, a bad relationship or three. But something took you from that innocent, free and loving space into another.
It’s my belief that all woman have an innate healthy feminine energy ~ simply life has got in the way and made us otherwise.
It’s important to know that the balance of masculine and feminine varies in all of us. All of us move between the two depending on the task or what is on our mind at the time and it affects how we show up and behave. When a woman activates her feminine energy, the energy that is in her body and around her moves differently than when she is in her masculine energy. This energy affects who we are attracted to, how we perceive each other, and what we draw into our lives. Where do you sit most of the time out of these four? The healthy or unhealthy masculine? The healthy or unhealthy feminine?
Since the beginning of feminism, both men and women have rejected aspects of their masculinity or femininity to avoid being perceived as the macho caveman or the dependent, helpless housewife. And this dynamic was going on in my life. I had disowned aspects of my feminine self because I saw embracing them as weak, less than and an invitation for someone to hurt me again. I was much more comfortable and safe being seen in my masculine persona – strong, together, independent and capable. Heaven help the guy who was dating me at the time and just wanted to love me and be there for me…he didn’t stand a chance!
In this masculine space I pushed people away who didn’t deserve to be pushed away, and for a time I attracted men who were emotionally unavailable, who either didn’t know what they wanted or who weren’t ready. It was this experience that made me start to reflect on how I was showing up and accept that maybe it all said as much about me as it did them. Damn that!
Like attracts like in love and life.
I realised that in being so independent I was attracting men who were actually being respectful of and admired my independence and they had no desire to impede on it or be there for me anymore than the space I allowed them to be.They liked that I was so overly independent and together. It meant they didn’t have to show up. I had it sorted or at least I acted like I did.
I want you to imagine for a moment a see-saw with each side equalling 50%- the two together always having to equal 100%. I realised I was overly in my masculine and out of balance, sitting high up on the top of the see-saw, let’s just say I was 80% showing up in my masculine energy most of the time. It meant any guy who sat on the other lower end of the see-saw only had space to be 20% in his masculine; he would need to be more in his feminine energy to want to sit there, to be attracted to me – not sure of himself, what he wanted, emotionally distant. The problem was those guys didn’t stay attractive to me for all that long as a result.
While teetering on the top of my seesaw I realised several things. Firstly I wasn’t moving through life as the woman I wanted to be and knew I could be – I was tired of doing it all, the sex was lacklustre up there, connections and love with others never felt genuine and deep and on top of it all I felt like a fake behaving like it was all good when it wasn’t. Secondly, I realised that I would need to lower my side of the see saw closer down to 50% for me to enjoy the life and love I wanted.
And as I did so, dropping into and embracing more of my feminine side and energy, the men who I started to attract, who started to show up and take a seat on the other side of the see saw started to change.
I dropped down on the see saw and they lifted up. Men in a healthy masculine place who knew what they wanted, were respectful, who wanted to see me happy and fulfilled now had space and were choosing to sit down and stay sat down on the seesaw.
Why is it important that we get to this place if we want love and happiness? Because we want a life and love that fills up our cup over one that empties it. For women this is when we feel our most content – we feel loved for all the wild parts of us, heard and safe, we have more spirit and energy when we’re in this place of balanced feminine energy on the seesaw. And men in their balanced masculine energy sitting in front of us feel their full selves – appreciated, needed and free.
A woman living in her feminine energy longs to connect with what’s around her. She wants relationship. She thrives on being more than she does doing. She wants love and to be loved. I have a well developed masculine energy – I love to succeed in my business and be the driver, and I enjoy life when I accomplish my goals. However, my deepest longing is for intimate relationships and connection. Life without those two things might look successful on the outside but it would feel empty on the inside.
When I was honest with myself and got out of my own masculine way, admitting without shame what was missing in my life, what I really desired in my life, was when I began to invite it in.
This is where I now ask you to truly feel into what the real cost has been to your life and relationships to show up in the way that you have and believe what you have up till now. And to do so without downplaying it – relationships, genuine connection, passion, tenderness and slaps on the arse, company, warmth, a life that feels genuine and whole. Everything you’ve not enjoyed and are not enjoying right now. Because for as long as you are more in your masculine you will continue to attract men more in their feminine or keep men in their feminine and you will feel dissatisfied, tired and burnt out in your life.
So how do we embrace living in our feminine energy and in a busy world that often supports and encourages us to succeed and earn, to think more over feel.
How To Drop Into And Embrace Your Feminine Energy
1.Create a life that supports the feminine. All of us have parts of our life that require us to operate from a driven, results based and focused masculine space. Often this part of our life pays the bills and is our achieving side – like our career. To prioritise the feminine we need balance outside of those 9-5 hours to support us embracing that energy. Relationships that allow us to show up in our healthy feminine – warml, safe, intimate, where there is trust and respect. (It’s a challenge, in fact near impossible to be in our healthy feminine if our relationships are attacking, cruel, abusive or lacking in affection). And behaviours such as starting the day, or breaking up the day in our lunch break or ending the day, by getting into the fresh air, sunshine, bare feet in the grass, free flowing types of exercises like pilates, yoga or free form dance (if you have to follow a routine it’s not free flowing!) also create balance and centre us. Anything that takes you out of your head and returns you back to your heart. How we dress outside of our careers can also be a great way to delineate between work self and feminine self- choose softer colours, styles, or cuts that speak to you in a feminine way outside of your 9-5.
2. Breathe life into your heart. When we’re too much in our head and acting from a place of thought, the feminine starts feeling drained, depleted and exhausted. This normally happens when we’re in our masculine making decisons, analysing, planning and organising. We all need to focus our energy to get things done but as soon as it’s done our energy needs to return back to where women carry our feminine hearts- our womb space. The quickest way to turn this space on and get out of our heads is to send our attention to our womb space- away from the head. I love to do this while walking, focusing my energy on that area and breathing down into my lower belly as I soften my shoulders, heart and throat. You will find your walk will change slightly when you do this, perhaps even how people look at you. Or we can simply sit and take a moment to sit and breathe deeply while focusing our attention on the area in our womb space and disengage from our mind. When I experiemented on this with my partner I found when I was in my head he was less likely to touch me for no reason, he kept a little distance. But when I moved my focus to my womb space, I softened immediately and he responded, coming closer for no reason, touching for no reason. Moth to a flame baby… I hope he doesn’t read this lol! In your careers, taking moments like this will leave you feeling more connected, refreshed and if you love the work that you do, on purpose. Another beautiful and discreet way to bring subtle attention to your womb space is to carry a yoni egg inside you at different times in the day.
3. The v word. Vulnerability is not an invitation to air your dirty laundry or all your past stuff on social media! Vulnerability is sharing who we are underneath the facade and showing up as her. Being vulnerable is a necessary part of opening up to love and passion. A strong masculine energy has a natural desire to protect and provide for the females. Men have felt this way for millennia- they are driven to. It is a “win-win situation”, a good thing, not something that “keeps us in our place”. A woman who can hold true to her own power, her own feminine strengths and at the same time allow a man to provide and care for her will have more ease and joy in her relationships with men. A woman who always has her “everything is perfect” facade is not as deeply attractive to men because he will feel unable to fully connect with her. One of the qualities healthy masculine women seek the most in an intimate relationship is that of a woman’s warmth. Men are attracted to warm, friendly, open women they can relax with. This is different from “easy” or “easy to please” women. Often women consider themselves warm and open when, in reality, they are only like that around close girlfriends. Expect men in your life to care for you and be there for you and make that your new standard, your new boundary. Anything less, that doesn’t allow you to be all parts and show all sides of yourself including the unsure, insecure vulnerable parts, isn’t going to fully support you to be in your feminine energy.
4. Eat for oestrogen. Research has shown that women who work surrounded by men, or in male dominated work places over long periods of time start to take on some of the blokey behaviour and male driven work ethic of the men around them. Research has shown that these women also have higher levels of testosterone in their blood to mirror this environment. Our hormones are affected by our predominant energy that we live in whether masculine or feminine, particularly true if we are out of balance. So eat for your hormones to support and tip things more in your favour. Studies conducted by the Linus Pauling Institute of Oregon State indicated that eating plant based foods that contain phytoestrogens help women naturally raise their oestrogen levels. So eat heavy on your seeds – flaxseeds and sesame seeds, fruits, vegetables and sprouts, soy products including miso soup, dark rye breads, legumes and chick peas, olives and olive oil and herbs, in particular turmeric, thyme and sage. Fill your plates ladies and supplement accordingly.
5. Stop trying to control the outcome. There is a beautiful paradox in life and that is when we give up control, we in turn gain more freedom, power and relaxation on our path towards true happiness than we ever thought possible. Going with the flow is such a cliché I know. I prefer to think of it as working with and seeing things for how they are over how you want them to be. Letting go and trusting the timing of life, trusting that others show up as best they know how when we leave them to their own devices, trusting that this approach creates true happiness in the long-term, even if things don’t happen as we wish, is a test or most of us to maintain. In love this means if we want a man in our life who knows what he wants, then we allow him the space to show us that he knows what he wants – we don’t do the work for him. We give him both the space and the opportunity to do this! So many of us struggle with leaving this space. We question, analyse, grow impatient and we end up just doing it ourselves. Why do we do this? Because of the feeling of uncertainty it brings to leave that space. We tie up a lot of our self-worth, self-love and abandonment issues in that space and how quickly that space is closed or not. It’s one of the biggest challenges I have with clients, to relax their need and compulsion to manipulate, cajole or bring about a certain result. Tony Robbin says it best “the quality of your life is in direct proportion to the amount of uncertainty you can comfortably deal with”. Self-awareness is everything here to understand why we’re doing this and stop ourselves before we do.
For me embracing my feminine energy and choosing a life and relationships that supports living as this woman has completely opened up my world. It has changed my life. For those of you who are more in their masculine. Who are recreating their lives after a separation and are dating, self-reflecting and wanting to bring into their life something different than what you just left, know that this will work for you. I could never return to the woman I used to be, I could never tolerate or attract some of the things that I used to in my past relationships. I’m too soft, playful in my intimate relationships and too open a person for that now.
* To learn more about our feminine energy and how it shows up in our love life click through to the second post in this series here. If you would like to understand more about femininity and how to live life as a modern woman you can find my online program “Woman” here. Alternately you can access it complimentary as part of my Women’s Wellness circle here.
Need help to change and uplevel how you feel? Support to know what to do next?
Carla Da Costa is an experienced Law Of Attraction Coach based in Perth. She supports women through times of uncertainty and is specialised in helping them flick the switch from “needing and wanting” to powerfully attracting what they need and desire into their lives.
Carla’s approach is tailored and holistic rather than a one size fits all approach. You’ll feel re-energised, excited and enthused about moving forward!