Have you ever found yourself thinking he or she would be perfect if only they’d stop doing something? Or found yourself trying to coerce someone to behave or feel a certain way by being controlling or manipulative? Perhaps you have been left feeling resentful and unhappy because somebody who said they would change never really did (or not for long anyway).
Chances are if you’ve ever had an intimate or friendly relationship with anyone, you have had these types of thoughts or feelings at some point in time.
I have certainly fallen into the trap where I’ve hoped others would change to satisfy me or to make me feel more secure. There were times where I was in the right- the change I wanted was a healthy, positive change that would have benefited us both. and so I persisted, maintained relationships and friendships in hope (or vain-whichever way you want to look at it!) that the other person would miraculously see the light and agree with me.
Sometimes that happened. Mostly it didn’t!!!
Whether someone is unwilling to change, whether they’ve expressed to you that yes they want to change the question remains…..
Can people ever really change for the better? Long-term.
Can I let you in on a little secret? Most people don’t want to be changed or improved- even if they know they need improving. What we’ve got to do is to let go of trying to make someone different to how they already are. People more often than not are as is purchases. A person either fits as they are now, or they don’t.
One of the biggest mistakes we make, women in particular, is trying to make a person change or improve into someone they are not. This includes trying to change the way someone feels about you. You cannot change the way a person feels or how they behave.
Trying to change anyone, when it is not invited, is almost always a waste of energy.
I’m not saying that people don’t change or can’t change. People transform, change and grow all the time. However it is not your job to change or improve anyone.
If somebody needs or wants to change or adjust anything, they need to choose that of their own accord.
Every human being is unique in their own special way. They are a perfect expression of who they are, what they’ve learnt and experienced up to this point in their lives- for good or bad.
People can be different than who they are right now- your job is to simply tell the truth about what works for you and what doesn’t, it isn’t your job to force change (however positive) on anyone.
If you don’t like something about someone in your life, you have three choices :
Share in a straight-forward yet compassionate manner what doesn’t work for you and get a feel for what they’re thinking. Listen to their response. They may be completely unaware that they’re upsetting you and be more than willing to change their behaviour. On the other hand they may not see any problem or not give a damn at all.
Clarity is key here- we’re not trying to change anyone just gauge what they’re thinking.
2. Move On Beautiful.
If it doesn’t feel good and clarity tells you that the future doesn’t look too far different than your present than move on sista. You deserve to have a better friend, lover or significant other in your life supporting and loving you.
3. Work On Improving You.
Rather than spend your energy trying to change someone else change your focus. Do something to improve yourself and your own confidence. Start walking everyday, join a new sporting team and meet new people, read a book, visit a good friend, learn a language, sit down and do some goal setting for your own future- ask yourself where do you want to be in five years time? What do you want to be doing?
Make it your business to meet life and enjoy life as it shows up- not as you prefer it to show up. Lose your expectations and accept others for who they are. Then it’s simply a matter of determining if someone is worth being in your life or not at all.
What can you do to accept others for how they are now and improve your own confidence in the process?